Au-pair and lonely? What really helps in the first weeks
Photo: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels
Loneliness in the first weeks as an au pair is the norm, not the exception. It usually recedes after six to eight weeks—provided you don’t just wait it out but actively reach out to others. The most effective step is making contact with peers who are going through the same experience.
Very few people talk about it. Yet in the experience reports on au pair portals it appears: a young woman who, for a month, knew no one except another au pair. Another who flew back home after ten days. The problem is known—it’s just rarely named.
Why it’s especially hard at the beginning
Your social life at home has grown — through school, neighborhood, clubs, years. It feels natural because you’ve never seen how it’s built. In a new place you have to recreate all that in weeks, in a language you’re not yet confident in.
There’s also a peculiarity of Au-Pair life: you live in the middle of a family life that isn’t yours. You’re never truly alone — and yet you are alone. That’s different from an empty apartment, so the usual advice often doesn’t apply.
And the rhythm doesn’t match: you have Tuesdays off at 3 p.m., while your potential friends are working or studying. That’s exactly why other Au-Pairs are so valuable — their calendars look like yours.
What specifically helps
People like that with the same calendar
Other au-pairs are free in the afternoon, don’t know anyone, and are looking for the same thing. On AuPairMatch you can see for free who is near your host family — and who will be arriving in the coming weeks. With the newcomers you start together instead of joining an already formed group.
Leave the house before you know why
On bad days, the hurdle is highest and the effect greatest. A walk, a café, the library. It's not about meeting someone there—it’s about preventing the day from ending in your room.
Tell your host family how you’re feeling
Many host families don’t notice because you’re cheerful with the children. One sentence at dinner is enough: “I’m having a hard time meeting people.” Most will help right away — they know other families with an Au-Pair and will make the connection when they realize it’s needed.
Set yourself a two-contact week
Not “making friends” — that’s too broad and can’t be checked off. Instead: talk to two people this week. In the language class, in the park, in the group. Two per week become sixteen attempts after two months, and from sixteen attempts something reliable emerges.
Limit the calls home
Keeping in touch helps. Two hours of phone calls each evening keep your mind at home and make settling in harder. Fixed times are better than constant availability — for you and for those at home.
How you know it’s tipping over
If you’ve been spending most of your free time in your room for more than two weeks, turning down invitations, sleeping poorly, or can’t find a reason to get up in the morning, it’s more than just adjusting. Talk to your host family, someone at home, and if it persists, see a doctor. This isn’t a failure and not a reason to just tough it out.
What you can skip
The comparison to Instagram. Other au-pairs post the outing, not the Sunday afternoon alone in the room. You see their best moments next to your average ones — it doesn’t end well.
The feeling of having failed. Not knowing anyone after four weeks doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It means four weeks is short.
Quit immediately. If nothing improves after two months, leaving is a legitimate decision. In the first weeks it’s almost always too early — most who stick it out describe month three as the turning point.
