Supporting a Homesick Au-Pair from Afar: Help Without Clinging

When your child calls in tears from their au-pair country, the most helpful thing you can do is this: listen and encourage them to settle in locally — not to rush them home. Homesickness in the first weeks, especially in weeks 2 to 4, is completely normal and, in the vast majority of cases, passes on its own once a routine takes hold and the first connections form.

This article is for parents whose child is abroad as an au-pair. It's not about what the au-pair should do, but about what you do and say from a distance: how to take feelings seriously without amplifying them, when homesickness is normal and when it might be a real warning sign — and how to look after yourself along the way.

Homesickness is not a weakness, nor a sign that the decision was wrong. It's a completely normal reaction to a big change: a new language, a new family, a new country, no familiar surroundings. The first rush of excitement fades, everyday life sets in — and that's exactly when, often in weeks 2 to 4, homesickness hits hardest. This is a well-known pattern, not an alarm.

For you as a parent, this means: a dip in this phase is to be expected. If you frame it as a normal part of settling in, you can support your child more calmly — and you take the drama out of a moment that a tearful call can otherwise easily acquire.

The fine line runs between compassion and co-suffering. Your child needs to feel that their feelings are heard — but not that you, too, are panicking. If you dramatise it yourself („Oh no, that sounds awful, come home right away“), you reinforce the homesickness instead of easing it.

What works are sentences that name the feeling while radiating confidence: „That really does sound hard right now — and it's completely normal for the first weeks to feel like this. Tell me what happened today.“ That way your child feels understood, without you making the crisis bigger than it is.

What helps:

• Listen without immediately offering solutions — sometimes „I'm here“ is enough.
• Normalise the feeling: „Almost every au-pair goes through this in the first weeks.“
• Ask about small positive things: What was fun today? Who did you meet?
• Agree on fixed, reliable call times — anticipation rather than constant availability.
• Encourage them to get active locally (language course, other au-pairs, hobbies).

What tends to hurt:

• Bursting into tears yourself or showing guilt.
• Talking for hours every day — it keeps the focus fixed on home.
• Saying „You can come home any time“ too early (more on that shortly).
• Reporting everything they're missing back home.
• Speaking ill of the host family before you know the situation.

Homesickness eases above all when something of their own takes shape locally — a daily life that isn't just work and waiting for the next phone call. Here, as a parent from afar, you can set surprisingly much in motion by gently pointing in the same direction again and again: get out, meet people, build routines.

Concrete anchor points you can encourage:

• Language course: In Germany the language-course subsidy is mandatory anyway — the course is the easiest way to regularly meet other people in the same situation.
• Other au-pairs: Through groups, apps or the host family, like-minded people going through exactly the same thing are quick to find.
• Hobbies and fixed dates: sport, a choir, volunteering, a weekly meet-up — anything that brings structure and repetition to the week.
• A small routine: a favourite café, a regular walk, a weekend outing. Familiarity grows through repetition.

It's well meant and feels loving: „If it gets too bad, just come back.“ But this exact sentence can do more harm than good in the first weeks. It gives the mind an emergency exit — and as long as that door stands wide open, it doesn't feel worth really settling in locally. The homesickness gets a permanent escape valve instead of fading.

This doesn't mean ending early is never an option. It only means: hold this card back during the first crisis phase. Instead, strengthen the confidence that the dip will pass — and at most agree on a fair time frame: „Let's give it the next two or three weeks before we talk about big decisions.“ Usually the homesickness has shrunk noticeably by then.

The hardest task for parents is telling normal homesickness apart from a real warning sign. Normal homesickness fluctuates: some days are good, others less so, but over the weeks the trend points upward. It affects mood, not safety.

You should prick up your ears, by contrast, when the strain becomes persistent, heavier and different. Signs that go beyond ordinary homesickness:

When the right-hand column applies — especially any hint of overwork, unfair treatment or feeling unsafe — it's no longer about homesickness but about the actual situation. Then it's right to look closely and act, together with your child, the agency or the host family. Trust your gut here: you know your child, and you can hear when the tone changes fundamentally.

A tearful call doesn't leave you unaffected — you worry too, perhaps feel helpless or guilty because you can't step in. That's normal. But your own calm is part of the support: a child who senses that their parents are steady and confident finds it easier to take heart themselves.

So find some support for yourself too — talk to other parents whose child has been or is abroad, or to the agency. Allow yourself to take a breath after a difficult call before you ring back. And avoid building up pressure out of your own worried head. Your calm, reliable presence from a distance is exactly what your child needs most in this phase.